i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
