You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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