halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
