Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
