You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
