:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize