So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
