dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
