I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
