Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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