i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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