I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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