Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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