sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
