I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize