Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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