Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
