my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
