i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
The adults are the big ones right?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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