R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
