every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
