I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
