Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
