Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
