mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
