This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
