Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
