my sisters under your porch take her home
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
