U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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