He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
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