Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize