Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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