He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
