2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
