Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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