he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
There's always time for handjobs
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
