im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
