i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
