Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
