I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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