All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
