this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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