I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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