I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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