i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
