Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
