just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
