roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
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