i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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