When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
