Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
These tits shall not be calmed
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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