You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
