her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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