It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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