you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
