I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
