We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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