So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
