one two three fourrrrnication!
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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