So drunk, too bad you don't want this
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
