So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
