There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
