I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
third nipple confirmed
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
