I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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