I faked an abortion last night.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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