I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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