Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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