He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize
