a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
