Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
