It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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