I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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