So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
