remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
