i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
